Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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