dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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