I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
