i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
