Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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