My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
