Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
we're making bets on your personal life
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
