wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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