There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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