If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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