im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
