if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You smell like stripper and shame
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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