margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
