My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
