Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
