I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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