In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
