There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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