my phone needs a breathalizer
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
