im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
