??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
