You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
