I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
even my farts smell like vagina
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
