I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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