There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
