I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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