I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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