if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
