i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
