$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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