Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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