I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
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well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
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Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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