I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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