you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Randomize
