Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
