the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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