8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
