I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
