but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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