At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
