you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I think my vagina is haunted
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
