Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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