If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
