i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
