I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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