The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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