Swine flu. Run for my life!
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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