The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
