I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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