I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
