I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
