It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Shame is for Republicans.
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