im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
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I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
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The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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