just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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