hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
