First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Let's get the cat blown out
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