dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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