I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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